


Maybe

by romanticalgirl



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-30
Updated: 2014-01-30
Packaged: 2018-01-10 14:55:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1161017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romanticalgirl/pseuds/romanticalgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Originally posted 9/4/99</p>
    </blockquote>





	Maybe

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted 9/4/99

They say that making love for the first time is supposed to be one of the most important events in your life. When you find the right person, it's supposed to be magical. And from the look in her eyes, that's exactly what it was for Willow.

I'm sure she doesn't think I know, or perhaps she's still so caught up in what happened that she doesn't see anything else. Although she's working incredibly hard to save Angel's lifeor unlife. But the point is, for the first time inforever, I wasn't on her mind and I wasn't in her heart. And I honestly never thought about how much that would hurt, how hard that would be, how intensely painful losing her for good would feel. 

I don't pretend that I'm the best guy for her or that she should love me. I don't know why she did, I suppose. But, I'm happy for her. That it was the perfect moment. That Oz was the man she needed him to be. 

And I wish, with all my heart, that what I imagined when I was five, what Iwhat I had let myself believe, all the lies that I told myself, I wish they were true. That she was mine, that I was hers. Willow wasn't the only one who thought that we would be together. 

But I'm watching them, discreetly of course. And I know that they don't think I see. For I am Xander, he who sees nothing that is right in front of him. But I do see. I see the looks, the touchesI see all the things that I don't have anymorefrom anyone. And I can't see anyone who deserves them more than Willow. 

God, I didn't think it would hurt this much. 

And I wonder, for a brief moment of time, what it must have been like, for her, when she found out about me and Faith. Did it hurt, did it make her chest feel tight, did it make her feel like her heart had stopped, that there was nothing left in her body but this hole, this cavern? 

Did it make her want to die? 

I'm grateful when she asked me to go get the supplies to decipher what the poison is. So I can leave them, so that I don't have to see the tender glances that pass between them, so that I don't have to see the little girl I used to know disappear before me eyes. 

And then I run into Anya, who is trying so hard and failing so miserably. She reminds me a lot of someone I know. And I'm tempted for a moment to leave all of this, all of Sunnydale behind. To leave Cordelia who I loved and hurt so badly. To leave Oz who is a good friend, even though I tried to steal the woman he loves. To leave Giles who is like a father to me. To leave Buffy who is the always unattainable beauty in my life. And to leave Willow, whom I love with all that I am and who has already left me behind. 

But I'm more than just who I love and what I've done. I have a potential that I haven't realized yet. But I will. 

Maybe I'll die on the Ascension Day. Maybe I'll be nothing more than a passing memory in someone's eyes. Maybe I'll live and go on to be something special to someone. 

Maybe I won't. 

But maybe is a word filled with numerous possibilities. I glance back at Willow and Oz, leaning against one another, their world existing in the space between them and nowhere else. 

Maybe I'll have that someday. 

Maybe I'll have Willow someday. 

Maybe. 

* * *


End file.
